Fabulista Fears: Not Being Unhappy

I dare not say anything. I am so afraid that I might lose it, that the ‘honeymoon’ period might be over too soon. Maybe in some obscure recesses of my subconscious, I suffer from a symptom common in all humans – that one does not deserve to be happy. Any chance of it when it does occur is an absolute fluke – a cosmic coincidence that is gone too soon.

And then there is the other part of me that says, “Dammit! You’ve suffered long enough! Now is the time for you to rise to the surface and breathe the rarefied air of bliss, joy and happiness.”

So can I just say that I am in a brand new place and I am not feeling unhappy. I am afraid of stating the obvious, I am so afraid that if I say it, it will be taken away from me, like the belief, however vain, that the Devil only takes away beautiful babies. So perhaps I should not say it. Perhaps I should grasp it in my two hands, hiding it, shielding it from the light of day and cold of night. Perhaps then no one would know of its existence and it would slip away from notice and I would get to keep it longer, enjoy it more… perhaps into forever.

So afraid to lose it, so needing, wanting to keep it forever…