[I WILL BE HERE]

- vincent immanuel pang



When you open your eyes one day,

And cannot find the sun,

Do not worry;

I will be here for you.



When you open your eyes one day,

And cannot find hope again,

Do not worry;

I will be here for you.



I will be here,

To guide you and to hold you,

To raise you and to lift you,

To wipe away the tear before it trickles down your face.



I will be here,

To let you know that you are not alone;

To let you know that even if you fail;

I will be here to catch you and to break your fall.



Just as time makes colour sketches of change;

So will our lives enrich one another's.

Just as the mirror speaks of the sketches and change;

So will our promises to our devotion.



When you open your eyes one day,

And cannot find my familiar smile,

Do not worry,

I will be here; I will still be here for you.





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When God made me, He must have used a completely new mold (and He broke it after that too). He made me completely unique in every sense of the word...



I knew from an early age that I am not 'typical' - while other kids are playing 'catch' with one another; I'd rather be drawing or reading a book. Later on, during the teenage years, while the boys were busy chasing skirts and the girls obsessing over their looks, I was more interested in the fundamentals of the universe and discussing the finer details of Shakespeare with my teachers.



I've had always seemed to skip a developmental stage and a few leaps forward compared with my peers, and now, that seems to be playing itself all over again...



You see, I haven't given marriage much thought; a great part of it is due to the fact that I cannot seem to find a suitable mate - most of whom I've met displayed a SEVERE lack of virtue, in terms of intellect or strength of character (God knows, they've probably thought the same, or worse, of me too...). However, that has NEVER quenched my strong desire to have a child of my own. Yes, I would love to raise a child, a son, of my own.



I love kids; God made me that way. It forms a great part of the reason why becoming a teacher is a natural progression at this developmental stage of my life. But I know that I will still be missing something from this - the sense of ownership, the knowledge that the child is MINE. I want to raise a boy who will grow into a man and be a credit to his society, a responsible citizen of great breeding and character. Yes I will nurture and provide for him to the best of my knowledge and ability. Though I admit that I am not perfect, but I will try to be and to give the best for this child, my son.



Why such a strong urge for fatherhood, you may ask? Honestly, I can't exactly tell you why (I'll leave that to my shrink, heh heh...), but I believe it has something to do with my own boyhood and growing up years. As people who knows me well will tell you, my father was never really around during my formative years, my adolescence, my youth, heck, he was never really around (he's even had to, on many occasions, turned to my mum when relatives and friends asked about my age...). He is really a bachelor and he's still living his life this way - 30 years into his marriage. Up to this day, this VERY day, he is still never around for much of our lives (my siblings and mine). To us, we are just his trophies... but that's another story.



I want to be a different father; I want to be there when my son has achieved something and wants to demonstrate it proudly to me, to want me to read him a story, to be with him and perhaps even to hear say, "Dad, I want to be just like you when I grow up..." one day. I want to be there for him, to let him have the father I have always wanted to have, without spoiling him.



Now you may ask about the possibility of having a son without marriage? Well, the answer? Adoption. It has been brewing in my mind for the past three years and I have been weighing the pros and cons, the 'whys' and 'why-nots'.



Actually, the first person to inspire the thought of adoption in me was my friend, Kelvin. Kelvin and his (then) girlfriend, Carol, were talking about working as Christian Missionaries and it was all these talk about spreading the good word that brought them to the topic of adoption - they were thinking of adopting, instead of having their own kids. When they shared their ideas with me, I just stared at them goggled-eyed (I didn't even give them the mandatory and pandering, "that's very big of you..." reply. But they went on to tell me about the orphan situation in many countries as well as the condition they live in... it's enough to break your heart. Plus the fact that they'll be travelling a lot as missionaries, they'll have many chances to work with and within these people and circles. To them (and now, myself as well), there are many abandoned kids in this world, if you can do something for them, why not? You don't have to have your own kids to be good parents.



Personally, I also wanted to tell the child I adopt, "Your parents did not abandon you; God had created you especially for me..." You may say that there are so many of them out there, so what's the point? Well, the point is, it is a GREAT difference to the ONE child I adopt. I will give him ALL the opportunities I can that he may have otherwise missed if he was left in the orphanage. This child IS special and will be especially so to me.



I have also decided on the country I will adopt my child from - Russia. There are personal and technical reasons for this. Firstly, I have always had a weakness for Caucasian kids - their curls and wide eyes and cherubic features make me feel especially protective towards them. And then, there's Russia. It has one of the highest records of abandoned children and orphans globally and many of the orphanages and facilities are ill-equipped, badly managed and rundown. There have also been many cases of (physical and sexual) abuse amongst the charges, both reported and unreported. Apart from that, there seems to be a Russian policy (official or not) that once a child reaches the age of 15, he or she would have to leave the facility; which leads to more social problems with the boys usually turning to organized crimes and the girls into child-prostitution.



Knowing all these, if you have the ability and the chance to take one (or more if you could) out of this possible situation, and you do, wouldn't you want to?



But then why do I seem biased towards adopting a boy? Well, you already know one of the reasons - my own childhood. The other is that in Singapore, a single unmarried man may adopt, however he may only adopt male-children. As long as the Singaporean adoptive father is over the age of 25 and has a local address, he may petition for the adoption of a minor not over the age of 21.



Currently, I am studying for my diploma and subsequently my degree in pedagogy, and once I am stable and able to provide for a son, I will begin my 18 months mission (yes, all the bureaucratic red tapes requires that much time) to adopt my own son. But that hasn't stopped me from getting ready. So far, I have researched on local policies on foreign-child adoptions and its procedures. I have even scoured the web looking at photo-listings of children up for adoption (all of them adorable!!). Although it is not logical to pinpoint any one adoption case now, I have downloaded the photos of an orphaned Russian boy and saved his data in a folder; he shall be my constant reminder of adoption plans.



And I thank God for making it that much more possible to have my own son... amen.

[A Quiet Dinner for Three]

- vincent



The stars twinkled in the twilight sky

Celestial dances upon black velvet

Three of us sat, face to face

Hands on the marble table top



T'was a quiet dinner for three

Vain attempts to complete the meal

My throat was blocked

My gut was wrenched



Can I order a drink?

Nauseous at the thought.

How can I even sit here and pretend

That everything is okay?



In a whimsical fashion

I anaesthetised myself

With a random mindless beat

From the silent piped in radio



The forbidden urge to reach out

The screaming desire to hold you

Stifled by the musty evening air

Into a silently vociferous stare



The next meal you go

Will be a quiet dinner

A quiet dinner for a smiling duo

A silent do without ever seeing me



Nous n'avons �t� jamais cens�s pour �tre, pas tandis que nous sommes de deux c�t�s de la ligne. Je ne pourrais pas atteindre dehors � votre c�t�; vous ne comprendrez jamais le mien.



C'est mon destin alors, pour avoir un go�t de ciel mais ne jamais le tenir dans des mes mains.



Au revoir mon ami, au revoir. Au cas o� nous aurions rencontr� dans diff�rent une circonstance, la fin aurait �t� un chorus de joie, peut-�tre.

OISEAU ET POISSON

"the bird and the fish"



Je suis un poisson, tu es un oiseau volant.

Si tu n'avais pas perdu le contr�le de la vitesse par accident,

Si je n'avais pas jet� un coup d'oeil fortuit, puis regard� intens�ment,



Il n'y aurait pas eu entre nous l'histoire d'amour condamn�e.



Tu es courageux; moi, je suis fataliste.

Tu es un oiseau errant perch� n'importe o�.

Je suis un poisson qui a perdu sa chaleur depuis longtemps.

Le ciel et la mer bleus creusent un golfe embarrassant de difficultes entre nous.



Pourquoi parler du ciel et de la terre, des quatre saisons, et de la nuit et du jour?

Pourquoi se tracasser au sujet du ciel et de la mer, du ciel et de l'enfer, du tambour du soir et de la cloche du matin?

Toujours ensemble... et toujours s�par�s...



Nuit d'insomnie, et ennui en me r�veillant le lendemain matin.

Les fleurs du printemps, comment peuvent-elles conna�tre les fruits de l'automne?

Comment l'�chec tragique d'aujourd'hui peut-il pardonner la c�cit� d'hier?

Comment se fait-il que l'oiseau volant soit tomb� amoureux du poiss

[ENOUGH]

-vincent immanuel pang



Arise from illusions,

Differentiate the delusions.

Move on to the present,

Step into reality.



Treading onto sunlit paths,

Fair weather showers.

Jolts you to perceive,

Pushing to rouse from dreams.



The sunbursts that afflicts my skin,

Rays that sting my eyes - burn my retina.

My world turns surrealistic whorls,

Alternate realities imposing on me.



My withered, my poor,

Upon the baked earth.

Unforgiving and wretched,

Weakened beyond writhability.



Whose truth? Who dictates?

I refuse false realism.

I deny your self-imposed possession -

You have no hold on me

[YOU WILL NEVER KNOW]

- vincent immanuel pang



I spend all my waking hours

Amongst past memories

Hurts and disappointments

Believing it will vanish by the morrow.



Was I secretly wishing they would stay?

Devastated by the fear;

If they go, there will be nothing left to hold.

It seems that is all I have left of you.



While daylight sees me;

I go through the motion evading sympathetic eyes.

As evening beckons in my bedroom

It seems melancholy is all that is left of me.



But I can fly away

On these wings of sadness

I am brought to a refuge with no shelter

On the edge of nowhere.



For a momentary lapse of reason

I am drunk under a sea of analgesia

For the comfort that they bring

I escape the harsh reality of pain.



I wake up from the anaesthetics

The fair sun reminding me

Perhaps today they will go away

Perchance today they perish with me.

POINTLESS

- vincent immanuel pang



You feel the Northern gales here

They cut you to the bones.

There is no knowledge of the golden orb

No sun, no warmth, no heat.



The ground beneath me gives;

I am drawn by its undertow.

I couldn't resist its alluring gloom,

Fumbling upon yielding ground.



I find I'm lost,

I can't turn back now,

I've gone too long, too far from home,

I lost the fundamentals of me.



Sinking, falling deeper into the abyss,

We've been here before,

We end up in this familiar perversion,

I've gotten used to this morbidity.



Culling goodness

Amassing grace

Rallying strength

Do second chances guarantee alternative ends?



I thought to give what you wanted;

I gave you what I had.

They were not what you had needed,

Nurturing your ambivalence.



So now we just go on,

Lounging in mutual melancholia,

Luxuriating on the pain,

Existing on vacuous disparity.

SELFISH WISDOM/SELFLESS FOOLS?



Thought for the day:



If a scheme or regime was changed or established over the foolishness of a loud but ignorant few, does it make the consenting majority selfless and wise?



''We need get on with our life as normal...''

- PM Goh, getting on with life while facing the adversity of SARS.

TIME - THE GEOGRAPHY OF CHRONOLOGY



''Where did the time go''



A lament. A mourn for the bereavement of collective moments.



How many of us are guilty of that? Guilty of letting go of time without so much as a thought?



I don't want to do that. At least not anymore. I have always known that once that grain of sand slips through the tiny waist of the hourglass, I will never get that instant back again.



And we can never step into same river twice.



Time is constantly flowing by, seemingly running towards a goal (or is it something else?). I can never get it back again. I will miss all the good times I had - time spent with a good friend, time spent at a caf�, savouring the smells and taste of the delicious brew. I will always remember the soft fur of the cat I once had. Hmm, the good times and the good things once had, how memorable!



How many of us wish for more time? How many of us wish for time to pass more slowly so that we can savour each moment with its fine detail; to give it the respect it deserves and observe it, rather than letting it pass us by?



I often to capture time in a capsule; to preserve a happy, wonderful time and keep it in perpetuity; to be had and relished again at a later time... and again... and again. But I am dreaming (of a white Christmas in Singapore?). It's not quite possible is it (though I can still dream?)?



But we can never step into same river twice.



I had an epiphany; once at my Campus Library. My friends know where to find me at my favourite spot - it overlooks a thick wood, full of the lush life pertinent to our tropical climate. I love the view. The view of tall foliage and growth swaying in the breeze; beckoning their audience.



Over the year as the weather changes, the vegetation takes on different hues - like a lady in her chamber, going through metamorphosis. Like a true lady, her change is subtle and elegant. As tropical monsoon sets in, she will step off the shower into her quarters dressed in a terry cloth robe of green - lush, luscious and full of the force of life - fresh to face the challenges a new year brings. In the other months, basking in the radiant, dry heat, the leaves turn amber and ochre. Shedding her casual robes, she takes on colour for the evening, shades of tawny earth, mellow ochre and vibrant crimsons - the lady is ready for her debut.



The change is subtle, oh so small, a picture for the observant eye; but so lavish is the reward. The breathtaking joy it brings as the story of a year unfurls before your eyes. Every minute variation is a stamp on the passing of time; a picture frame in the galleries of your mind. A moment to be held to behold.



And I had my epiphany - I hold that moment in my mind; I hold that moment in my hand. I hold it... in perpetuity.



While we can never step into the same river twice; we can step in to water and enjoy the coolness and freshness it bestows. We remember the sensation it conferred... and remember it in perpetuity.

I AM FOR LIFE

- Vincent Immanuel Pang



I am not Pro-America; in fact I still can't stand their slapstick comedies



I am not Anti-Iraq; in fact I admire their intellect. Afterall, the concept of Algebra or al-jabr was created by one of them.



I am not Pro-War; neither am I Anti-War.



But I am against the use of fear and tyranny to control a population. I am against the use of civilian lives to destroy civilian lives for personal vendetta or to make political statements. I am against terrorism. I am against the concept of anyone, living on God's earth having to look around suspiciously, fearing for his or her life, wondering if the ride on the public transport, or the letter received will be the last thing experienced.



I am against having to live in fear, anxiety and suspicion for one's life. I am against the concept that my right to live has been denied and compromised by some unknown who has a warped sense of justice and in meting out his/her judgement, I am but a pawn.



I am against destroying life.



And if that means taking out the source of threat by destroying the agent (one by one), then it has to be done. I am for it.



I do not want to live in a world where a smile may not be a smile but a conspiracy. Where a word is not a blessing but a curse in disguise. Where a hug is the prelude to a murder or betrayal.



Most importantly, I do not wish for children to nurture and grow in a world such as that. I may be held responsible and accountable - afterall, as the wisdom of the Navajo Indians once put, ''we don't inherit land, we are merely taking care of it for our children (paraphrased)''



What kind of a place do we want our future generations to grow up in? To know? It's all up to us isn't it? When we spot a problem, we try to gently coax it away, but like the weed that refuses to perish, we will have to root it out.



I want to live in a world where I know a smile means ''I'm your friend'', a pleasant word is salve to the heart and a hug means devotion of the sincerest kind. Where children can smile (not frown) and wonder ''why'' and parents won't have difficulty answering.



The first cognitive facial expression of a child should not be a frown of anxiety nor should his first word be ''please'' with his hands held out...

I STILL BELIEVE



When the world had nowhere to run

Or how to hide

I've been watching the world as it passes by

Trying to climb but I just can't find my feet

But I still believe

Doesn't matter what life you lead

Or the love you need

Lost in the world as it passes by

Trying to smile but you just can't hide your tears

Do you still believe



I still believe

That we can live together in a land of broken dreams

I still believe

We can put us together and pray for all our hopes and dreams



Cause I only wanna let you know how I feel

Watching the love as it passes by

Trying to smile but I just can't hide my tears

But I still believe



Floating on your own star

They always seems to make you hot

I put it back together once again

Once again

Once again



I still believe

That we can live together in a land of broken dreams

I still believe

We can put us together and pray for all our hopes and dreams

I still believe

That we can live together in a land of broken dreams

I still believe

We can put us together and pray for all our hopes and dreams

Floating on your own star

BROKEN VOW



I need to understand

I need to understand

Why you and I came to an end



Tell me again

I want to hear

Who broke my faith in all these years

Who lays with you at night

When I'm here all alone

Remembering when I was your own



I'll let you go

I'll let you fly

Why do I keep on asking why

I'll let you go

Now that I found

A way to keep somehow

More than a broken vow



Tell me the words I never said

Show me the tears you never shed

Give me the touch

That one you promised to be mine

Or has it vanished for all time



I'll let you go

I'll let you fly

Why do I keep on asking why

I'll let you go

Now that I found

A way to keep somehow

More than a broken vow

I close my eyes



And dream of you and I

And then I realize

There's more to life than only bitterness and lies

I close my eyes

I'd give away my soul

To hold you once again

And never let this promise end



I'll let you go

I'll let you fly

Why do I keep on asking why

I'll let you go

Now that I found

A way to keep somehow

More than a broken vow

THE WIRELESS FIASCO - ANOTHER EMPTY PROMISE.



- by Vincent Immanuel Pang





The Learning Hub at the NIE Library promised to be a wonderful portal of digital capabilities including wireless Internet services. After more than 6 months of expectant bubbling and speculation, the CSC had delivered a dud that fizzled despite the initial sizzles. Proving once again that they are more capable of providing empty fluff and effervescence than honest-to-goodness materials of substance.



Remember the glorious announcement over six months ago over the announcement of integrating the wireless network system into the library?s compendium of digital services? Well, apparently the system is now up and running. However the service is far from satisfactory or adequate.



With the capabilities of the 802.11b wireless protocol, there are endless Internet applications that we can access to via our desktops or laptops equipped with a wireless card.



As students in NIE, where digital age technology has become synonymous with pedagogy, many of us received the news of the upgrade and enhancement with wide-open arms and joy. Many of us had also pried into our savings and made investments on a wireless card. Afterall, the authorities had revealed news on the intention of integrating wireless Internet access throughout the entire campus. All these promises of Zion justified the investment ? seemingly a wise decision that would extend beyond our period as trainees in NIE.



Unfortunately, we were all grossly deceived. Like the wolf that promised the red-hooded girl of greater blooms beyond the regular route of the forest, which turned into disappointments, so did the promise of a glorious new service.



Many of us would have realized that although surfing the Internet is possible, one could not access the other Internet services. We could not, for example download POP3 mails into our email programmes (i.e. Outlook, Outlook Express, Entourage, Eudora, etc), neither could we communicate with our friends through the ICQ, MSN or any other instant messaging services. Our people in CSC have denied this capability.



This has greatly hampered the progress and process of our (trainee teachers?) learning. I am sure that many of us communicate with our assignment group mates, lecturers and other mentors through emails. When I check with CSC for the reason why the service was unavailable, the excuse given was, ?for security reasons, we have denied this service on all our internet access portals.?



When I asked about the 128bit WEP (Wireless Encryption Protocol) that is in place to protect from unauthorized Internet access to NIE?s server, the excuse given was that ?POP access would provide hackers with a loophole to crack into the servers.? However there is no mention of what the consequences may be. It was mentioned, nevertheless, that such an incident had occurred in NTU before. Now, doesn?t this prove that NTU provides its users with the service? And since this service is still available, it would signify that NTU had taken steps to up its security measures and had improved their services.



I mentioned to the person behind the counter at the CSC that it would be their responsibility and their obligation to inform all library users and potential wireless card investors of the limitations and denials that they are imposing on the wireless network. Unfortunately, the respond was a very off-tangent remark that ?we will standardize the access and service for both wired and wireless access?. Excuse me? But that doesn?t even remotely resemble the topic we?re on!!



From what I know, a 128bit WEP protection is a very advance form of encrypting protection; this could be further enhanced with a firewall together with a surveillance of Internet activities within the campus? servers to detect irregular actvities. However, this may require constant watch over the servers.



From the above evidence, one could not help but come to the conclusion that it is probably an issue with idleness rather than security that had induced the decision to cut off the service of inclusive net access.



As a regular user and with the groups of trainee teachers I know, I sincerely and emotively hope for the authorities to reconsider their decision and action. We really need the services to be complete and running. This is imperative to our efficient communication with the people involved in our studies (i.e. lecturers, tutors, group mates, etc), which directly affects the effectiveness of our training as teachers.



It may a small difference in providing the service, but the effect is tremendous and synergistic to our overall development.



Thank you for reading this article. I would appreciate your feedback and comments and views on this topic, we would all appreciate it if you would respond with your views on the issue.

LETTING GO - "ON SILENT WINGS"



Have you believed in something much, loved something/someone so much that you were blinded? Truths that millions of eyes can see but you couldn?t, simply unable to (could it be denial?)... and it wasn?t even a deliberate decision to not notice; you were on a psychological trip, leaping over moons in a different dimension...



But even the most foolish of hearts learn... yes, even the one that pulses in mine body... and one day, you wake up and realized, ?Hey, something?s not right... it doesn?t seem to be working...? and then, just like that the spell was broken ? and the pain starts... an emotional tug of war...



There?s the one side of you that keeps saying, ?Let it go... It?s a dead rotting log... It?s been dying long ago, you just didn?t admit it; but now, it?s beyond comatose, it?s really DEAD!!?.



On the other hand, there?s another voice that keeps saying, ?Hang on, have faith, it will still work, just give it some time and a second chance... You?ll see!!? An emotional tug of war, a vicious cycle ? roller coaster of feelings; admission, rejection, denial, bargain...



Of course, while battling these insane and confusing thoughts in your head, there are times when they decide to go on a truce. It is in these moments of sanity, you can enjoy moments of normality and actually reveal a smile (half? Pseudo? Etc?). But alas, they are but mere moments...



It was sometime late last year, while in my rare moment of lucidity, I heard a song playing on the radio. Like the young man who strummed Roberta Flack?s pain with his fingers, the song by Tina Turner gave a voice to my pain. She helped acknowledge it, something I was unable to do on my own (I don?t know why) and I was to find a sigh in the midst of it to release some of the crushing pain inside. The song was ?On Silent Wings?.



As she (Tina) emotes over the microphone, sending waves of sonorous vibrations over me, I heaved a heavy sigh (of relief) and felt a little release from the memory?s suffocating, vice-like grip. Emotionally, it was akin to squatting down, while carrying a huge load on your shoulder; you slowly heave it onto the ground ? a muddy track where you are at now, possibly wet by the tears, but just up ahead, the road seems drier but still made of earth? but just beyond that, as if beckoning at you is a wide stretch of green ? fresh and alluring? and you know that just up ahead, you need to journey beyond the green grass is where the sun is shining warm and bright. It is where everything is fine. It is up ahead from your muddied track.



I am learning to let go of the burden. I am moving towards that sunlit place. I will get there.

THE PRAYER



There are a million little things I could whisper in your ears



There are a thousand good intentions I could sing and cheer.







There are the friends around to offer good something to you



There is a myriad of works that they can do for you.







And it seems to you that I am not coming through



And you start to wonder if I'm really true



I confess I won't ever promise the stars



Nor miracle salve to hide those scars







For everyday I will see the sun



Beyond the heavy drapes of gull grey glum



Along the roads I walk everyday



I'll remember you whenever I pray







There are a million little things your ears may hear



There are a thousand shallow lauds and hungry jeers







There are challenges that come into aching view



There are dire situations that seem brand new







But everyday promises a brand new start



And in everyday God embraces you in His heart.





Vincent Immanuel Pang

Just trying to see what happens when I post again...

Okay, so this my first attempt at blogging.



I fumbled a bit, trying to figure out the HTML codes... fortunately it was all quite simple (well an exercise in intuitive and logical analysis anyway).



Nevertheless, here it is!! My first official blog!! Right in my homepage!! Isn't that brilliant?!!



Alright then, now that at least 60,000 of my grey had died in my attempt at doing this, I shall rest, but lookout and check regularly! I may have some juicy bits posted here now and again!!



Cheers!! :-)