 | Dear baby, we've never met, but I already love you...
... and I always will. - Mummy and Daddy |
The sun was shining brightly and streaming in through the kitchen window, washing the whole place in a burst of canary yellow, walking into it was like stepping into custard cream. It highlighted the tanginess of the orange juice sitting on the breakfast counter.
A scream rang from the bathroom through the house. And then there was a deadly silence.
There was a loud cry to heaven and then an endless stream of sobs and tears that trailed all the way to the hospital. The sharp abdominal pain and the release in the bathroom had meant something.
Something terrible.
That was two months ago.
Ever since then Serene had been living in a daze, caught up in an endless emotional roller coaster. She'd be laughing and joking one moment and at the next screaming accusations at your face for some strange or imagined offence.
The usually quiet Serene became a wild party girl. In the past, we'd literally have to lasso her for a night out with us and even then, it was just an evening's hangout at a comparatively sedate caf�. Comparatively sedate because recently she'd be the one calling us up and setting dates... to go pubbing, barhopping. When we meet at eight in the evening, she'd be pissed drunk before eleven and one of us would have to chaperone her home. She'll call to express gratitude and regret the next day, but she'd repeat the same thing no sooner the following evening.
If it's not getting herself half dead with one side of her face permanently plastered to the pub's counter, she'd be frolicking under the fluorescent glare of some shopping mall maxing out her credit cards and supplementary cards from her husband. It's a good thing Tony isn't there to see his wife in that sorry state, but it doesn't mean that he doesn't care. In fact, he cares too much. But ever since that morning, Serene has been in denial and had shut that topic and her husband out. Even when her husband had to leave for a overseas business attachment, she put on a brave face of nonchalance at the airport as she kissed Tony �goodbye and see you soon!�
�She doesn't want to talk about it.� Tony confided long-distance. �Each time I try to (bring it up) she just smiles and changes the subject, so I don't want to force her... but please, look out for her... for me?�.
�Of course...�
�Thanks.� And the telephone clicked off the other end.
It was a sunny weekend, wonderful for a day out at the beach. Even more wonderful was that Serene was sedate enough to agree to hangout at the beach. We decided on an outdoor lunch and packed an alcohol-free picnic basket for it. Being the outdoor-sketching enthusiast that I am, I slipped a sketchbook into my bag as well.
When we arrived at the place the tide was high, but ebbing. The sea was slapping and foaming on the breakwaters. We found a nice, shady spot just behind the breakwaters, next to a canal to lay down our mat. Lunch was a delightful array of fried finger foods and cool sandwiches. Served with fresh-squeezed orange juice, the refreshing tangy drink made the greasy food go down easily.
Laying flat on our back and gazing at the clear sky dotted with clouds, we became children again, making each amorphous cloud familiar and naming them.
�Serene, I've missed you... in fact, all of us, your friends and Tony especially, missed you...�
�Ha ha, don't be silly, haven't we been hanging out...? Well, maybe not so much with Tony...�
�Seriously, Serene, you know what I mean...�
�You guys are making a storm out of a tea cup... I AM FINE!� She wedged an obstinate smile on her face as she said this.
�You've lost a baby Serene and you are obviously not fine... you've been drunk, half your face has become a permanent fixture at the bar, plastered to it. I bet the counter knows your face better than yourself. It's the same with the shopping, I swear your credit card has been ground down by at least five millimeters with all the swiping - you alone has kept the local economy going strong...�
�Well, you want me to deal with the pain? That's how I deal with it - shopping and getting drunk! Happy?�
�No, Serene, but are you? What you've been doing is denying it, not dealing with it... there's a difference. Don't call the devil by pretty names.�
�Oh stop it, I didn't ask for your counsel, so spare your preaching for someone else...�
�No, you didn't ask for it, I am giving it to you and if you think you're fine and over the whole thing, then let's do this...�
I tore two pieces of cartridge paper from my sketchbook and handed one to her. I asked her to fold an origami boat out of it and we did it together. Then we went to sit by the canal. �This boat, Serene, is the baby. You never got the chance to see it, so now you do. Once you're ready, just let it go into the water... let it go.�
Stubbornly, she walked towards the canal, holding the origami boat by her fingers, raised and poised to release it. Then, it could have been the ebbing waters or perhaps the sight of the rocks revealing on the bed, but she just paused for a beat and then she sat down on the tuft of soft grass beside the canal. I saw her bury her face in her hands as she folded herself onto her knees for support. She was trembling as she released rivulets of salty water from her eyes.
�Tony and I tried so hard... you should have seen his face when I told him I was pregnant. He was positively glowing and I was so happy. He had to stop us from jumping up and down for fear of hurting the baby. We ended up on the floor, laughing so hard, we were making ourselves silly...�. She gasped for breath as she struggled to speak.
I placed my arms across her back and squeezed her shoulders. Silently, I urged her to continue.
�We've got all the baby clothes ready. I've even thought of the names... if it was a boy, he will be Aidan; girl and she will be Elizabeth... I had fallen in love with my baby, imagining the little fingers and toes growing inside me. I had fallen in love with my baby...� she trailed off as fresh tears began to engulf her... and me.
We unraveled the paper boat and she wrote a love note to her unborn child, expressing all the love and tenderness she felt. She's probably still feeling it. She poured the contents welled in her heart and soul through an ocean of inks and emotions onto the parchment already lined by the effort of folding. Her words filled the clean piece of paper and drenched it with an overflow of her previously unresolved affections.
As the setting sun lit the entire sea with a stream of glorious diamonds encased in gold, we walked over to the canal again, with Serene cradling the refolded origami boat in her hands. As we peer over the stream flowing out into the sea, the tide had gone so low we could see the bed and the rocks littered along it. Only a slow, constant stream of water was left flowing steadily out to meet the sea. Serene released the paper boat filled with all her love onto the small stream. She released it with both hands, into the water and watched it flow out into the sea, drifting away. As it moved further away from her, she sent it a flying kiss and waved goodbye.
Standing behind her, I saw her heaved her shoulders as she released a deep breath.
My telephone rang the other night. �Overseas call�, it registered on my caller-id.
�Hi, Tony! Nice to hear from you!�
�Hey, you! Thanks! She called last evening... she cried and I cried. Over the line, we mourned the loss. We're not over it yet, but I think that was a start and we are on our way...�
I think everyone of us handle grieve differently. Some of us take time to be introspective; others talk about it. Some do things to manage the pain; others rest to deal with it. We do it at different rates and time. But the important thing is that we handle it so that we can let it go.
So that we can move on.
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