When God made me, He must have used a completely new mold (and He broke it after that too). He made me completely unique in every sense of the word...



I knew from an early age that I am not 'typical' - while other kids are playing 'catch' with one another; I'd rather be drawing or reading a book. Later on, during the teenage years, while the boys were busy chasing skirts and the girls obsessing over their looks, I was more interested in the fundamentals of the universe and discussing the finer details of Shakespeare with my teachers.



I've had always seemed to skip a developmental stage and a few leaps forward compared with my peers, and now, that seems to be playing itself all over again...



You see, I haven't given marriage much thought; a great part of it is due to the fact that I cannot seem to find a suitable mate - most of whom I've met displayed a SEVERE lack of virtue, in terms of intellect or strength of character (God knows, they've probably thought the same, or worse, of me too...). However, that has NEVER quenched my strong desire to have a child of my own. Yes, I would love to raise a child, a son, of my own.



I love kids; God made me that way. It forms a great part of the reason why becoming a teacher is a natural progression at this developmental stage of my life. But I know that I will still be missing something from this - the sense of ownership, the knowledge that the child is MINE. I want to raise a boy who will grow into a man and be a credit to his society, a responsible citizen of great breeding and character. Yes I will nurture and provide for him to the best of my knowledge and ability. Though I admit that I am not perfect, but I will try to be and to give the best for this child, my son.



Why such a strong urge for fatherhood, you may ask? Honestly, I can't exactly tell you why (I'll leave that to my shrink, heh heh...), but I believe it has something to do with my own boyhood and growing up years. As people who knows me well will tell you, my father was never really around during my formative years, my adolescence, my youth, heck, he was never really around (he's even had to, on many occasions, turned to my mum when relatives and friends asked about my age...). He is really a bachelor and he's still living his life this way - 30 years into his marriage. Up to this day, this VERY day, he is still never around for much of our lives (my siblings and mine). To us, we are just his trophies... but that's another story.



I want to be a different father; I want to be there when my son has achieved something and wants to demonstrate it proudly to me, to want me to read him a story, to be with him and perhaps even to hear say, "Dad, I want to be just like you when I grow up..." one day. I want to be there for him, to let him have the father I have always wanted to have, without spoiling him.



Now you may ask about the possibility of having a son without marriage? Well, the answer? Adoption. It has been brewing in my mind for the past three years and I have been weighing the pros and cons, the 'whys' and 'why-nots'.



Actually, the first person to inspire the thought of adoption in me was my friend, Kelvin. Kelvin and his (then) girlfriend, Carol, were talking about working as Christian Missionaries and it was all these talk about spreading the good word that brought them to the topic of adoption - they were thinking of adopting, instead of having their own kids. When they shared their ideas with me, I just stared at them goggled-eyed (I didn't even give them the mandatory and pandering, "that's very big of you..." reply. But they went on to tell me about the orphan situation in many countries as well as the condition they live in... it's enough to break your heart. Plus the fact that they'll be travelling a lot as missionaries, they'll have many chances to work with and within these people and circles. To them (and now, myself as well), there are many abandoned kids in this world, if you can do something for them, why not? You don't have to have your own kids to be good parents.



Personally, I also wanted to tell the child I adopt, "Your parents did not abandon you; God had created you especially for me..." You may say that there are so many of them out there, so what's the point? Well, the point is, it is a GREAT difference to the ONE child I adopt. I will give him ALL the opportunities I can that he may have otherwise missed if he was left in the orphanage. This child IS special and will be especially so to me.



I have also decided on the country I will adopt my child from - Russia. There are personal and technical reasons for this. Firstly, I have always had a weakness for Caucasian kids - their curls and wide eyes and cherubic features make me feel especially protective towards them. And then, there's Russia. It has one of the highest records of abandoned children and orphans globally and many of the orphanages and facilities are ill-equipped, badly managed and rundown. There have also been many cases of (physical and sexual) abuse amongst the charges, both reported and unreported. Apart from that, there seems to be a Russian policy (official or not) that once a child reaches the age of 15, he or she would have to leave the facility; which leads to more social problems with the boys usually turning to organized crimes and the girls into child-prostitution.



Knowing all these, if you have the ability and the chance to take one (or more if you could) out of this possible situation, and you do, wouldn't you want to?



But then why do I seem biased towards adopting a boy? Well, you already know one of the reasons - my own childhood. The other is that in Singapore, a single unmarried man may adopt, however he may only adopt male-children. As long as the Singaporean adoptive father is over the age of 25 and has a local address, he may petition for the adoption of a minor not over the age of 21.



Currently, I am studying for my diploma and subsequently my degree in pedagogy, and once I am stable and able to provide for a son, I will begin my 18 months mission (yes, all the bureaucratic red tapes requires that much time) to adopt my own son. But that hasn't stopped me from getting ready. So far, I have researched on local policies on foreign-child adoptions and its procedures. I have even scoured the web looking at photo-listings of children up for adoption (all of them adorable!!). Although it is not logical to pinpoint any one adoption case now, I have downloaded the photos of an orphaned Russian boy and saved his data in a folder; he shall be my constant reminder of adoption plans.



And I thank God for making it that much more possible to have my own son... amen.

[A Quiet Dinner for Three]

- vincent



The stars twinkled in the twilight sky

Celestial dances upon black velvet

Three of us sat, face to face

Hands on the marble table top



T'was a quiet dinner for three

Vain attempts to complete the meal

My throat was blocked

My gut was wrenched



Can I order a drink?

Nauseous at the thought.

How can I even sit here and pretend

That everything is okay?



In a whimsical fashion

I anaesthetised myself

With a random mindless beat

From the silent piped in radio



The forbidden urge to reach out

The screaming desire to hold you

Stifled by the musty evening air

Into a silently vociferous stare



The next meal you go

Will be a quiet dinner

A quiet dinner for a smiling duo

A silent do without ever seeing me



Nous n'avons �t� jamais cens�s pour �tre, pas tandis que nous sommes de deux c�t�s de la ligne. Je ne pourrais pas atteindre dehors � votre c�t�; vous ne comprendrez jamais le mien.



C'est mon destin alors, pour avoir un go�t de ciel mais ne jamais le tenir dans des mes mains.



Au revoir mon ami, au revoir. Au cas o� nous aurions rencontr� dans diff�rent une circonstance, la fin aurait �t� un chorus de joie, peut-�tre.

OISEAU ET POISSON

"the bird and the fish"



Je suis un poisson, tu es un oiseau volant.

Si tu n'avais pas perdu le contr�le de la vitesse par accident,

Si je n'avais pas jet� un coup d'oeil fortuit, puis regard� intens�ment,



Il n'y aurait pas eu entre nous l'histoire d'amour condamn�e.



Tu es courageux; moi, je suis fataliste.

Tu es un oiseau errant perch� n'importe o�.

Je suis un poisson qui a perdu sa chaleur depuis longtemps.

Le ciel et la mer bleus creusent un golfe embarrassant de difficultes entre nous.



Pourquoi parler du ciel et de la terre, des quatre saisons, et de la nuit et du jour?

Pourquoi se tracasser au sujet du ciel et de la mer, du ciel et de l'enfer, du tambour du soir et de la cloche du matin?

Toujours ensemble... et toujours s�par�s...



Nuit d'insomnie, et ennui en me r�veillant le lendemain matin.

Les fleurs du printemps, comment peuvent-elles conna�tre les fruits de l'automne?

Comment l'�chec tragique d'aujourd'hui peut-il pardonner la c�cit� d'hier?

Comment se fait-il que l'oiseau volant soit tomb� amoureux du poiss

[ENOUGH]

-vincent immanuel pang



Arise from illusions,

Differentiate the delusions.

Move on to the present,

Step into reality.



Treading onto sunlit paths,

Fair weather showers.

Jolts you to perceive,

Pushing to rouse from dreams.



The sunbursts that afflicts my skin,

Rays that sting my eyes - burn my retina.

My world turns surrealistic whorls,

Alternate realities imposing on me.



My withered, my poor,

Upon the baked earth.

Unforgiving and wretched,

Weakened beyond writhability.



Whose truth? Who dictates?

I refuse false realism.

I deny your self-imposed possession -

You have no hold on me